Resident Pancake Head
by Burningbridges
Summary: RE: Extincntion parody. A story for those who love and hate Alice, about how her friends try to kill her and she becomes a pancake head. Weird situations, people dying, and a heartless narrator that torments the characters. What could go wrong?
1. Narrator Trouble

_Well, I went to see RE: Extinction the second day it was out, and although I definitely will stick by my beloved games always, it was pretty decent. I mean, I like the movies (just 'cause they're RE), but I love the games. The games are my life._

_Anywho, before I went to see the movie, I had been talking about Alice with my friend and writing partner, Nonliving-Nightmare. We were joking around about how I'd like to sock Alice in the face, and it went through several scenarios of ways to kill Alice – ending with me suggesting Carlos flatten her head and she survives, becoming "Pancake Head". During the movie (in between my mom saying "Oh my God" and "Oh no!" repeatedly), I got the idea to make it into a story. At the moment, I'm not sure if this will be so much of a parody or a weird and random re-telling of the film(s)…This will probably be the only time I ever really write about the movies, so it's bound to be amazingly stupid. And I can guarantee everything will be a little out of order, and the dialogue will be pretty different – it is a bit of a re-telling, after all. Let's see, what else? Well, as the tag line says, there's a rather mean narrator. I wasn't originally aiming for a narrator, it's actually an idea I had for one part that ended up becoming an ongoing chunk of plot. The narrator basically makes fun of everyone, makes things happen, stuff like that – essentially, the way the narration works is that anything that's not character dialogue is being said out loud by the narrator and certain people can hear it. It'll make more sense over time. Also, a lot of characters won't be called by their names… Because I want it that way. And it goes with the narrator's bad attitude. _

_Better get to work. I'm also writing a school play version of this in "The Substitutes". _

_---------------_

Resident Pancake Head

By Burning Bridges

Chapter One: Narrator Trouble

"Get there if you can and see the land you once were proud to own, though the roads have almost vanished and the expresses never run…" Alice was reciting to herself as she rode along the highway on her motorcycle, the wind in her hair.

Woe to you, O Earth and Sea… Since there really isn't any water now.

That's right. There are no oceans anymore. Pretty much the whole world turned to desert – which doesn't make a lot of sense to me… How would the virus cause that? And to top that off, if the oceans dried up, everything in them would die… And that means the food chain would eventually collapse… Which explains almost all the humans dying, but still not the oceans drying up… Huh.

Welcome to the movie-verse version of the "Resident Evil" series. Starring the Alice-in-Wonderland-themed Ada-impersonator, Alice. Some people like her, some people hate her… I'm about .5/99.5 on that… Whether you like her or not, this will be an interesting tale for everyone.

'But between the day and night the choice is free to all; and light falls equally on black and white.'

"Who said that? Who's talking?" Alice asks, staring up at the sky as she nearly takes out a signpost because she's not paying attention to where she's going.

Uh… No one.

"Great. That means I'm hearing things. And the desert is apparently copying my poetry-reciting."

Just then her front tire sends a rock flying through the air, and it nails her in the head, causing her to pass out on the handlebars while the bike keeps going, driving completely off the road in a random direction, swerving and barely missing cactuses.

Take that!

Somewhere else in the desert…

A convoy is driving along a highway vaguely reminiscent of Route 666. Claire is presently leading it, because she has nothing better to do –

"What do you mean, 'I have nothing better to do'?!" she shouts at the sky, and the girl with her, K-Mart, gives her a funny look.

"Who are you talking to?"

Claire shuts up, and lets me continue.

"I heard that, you asshole!"

One, go to hell, you annoying stand-in for a character I like. Two, you're not supposed to be able to hear me – this is a soliloquy. Sort of one, anyway.

"Yeah, well, I can hear you, and you're being a bitch!"

"Claire, you're starting to scare me…" K-Mart said, moving as close to the door as she could, fearfully.

"Err… I was just… Pretending I'm in a movie, that's all. Ignore me."

Hahaha, shut down.

"Oh, you stupid - "

In the school bus, following the convoy…

The greasy bus driver drove along obliviously happy, just like the dumbass he is.

"I take exception to that," the bus driver said, and everyone on the bus exchanged odd looks.

Shut the hell up, and watch the road. You're about to run over a zombie.

"Oh, you're right." He cheerfully turned up "In-a-gadda-da-vida" and said zombie bit the dust. Then the song suddenly changed.

"I believe I can fly. I got shot by the FBI. All I wanted was a chicken wing, then my mom cut off my thing…" said the stereo.

"Did you do that?? You know, that really isn't appropriate for the kids on the bus."

Hey, when I was in elementary school, everyone used to sing that on the bus.

"That's really weird. Now I'm putting Iron Butterfly back on."

No, you're not. I've been joking to people for years that I want that to play at my wedding instead of the wedding march… And you just make it creepy.

"In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby. Don't you know that I – Every little thing I do never seems enough for you. You don't want to lose it again, but I'm not like them. Baby, when you finally get to love somebody, guess what? It's gonna be me."

"I am NOT listening to NSuck," the bus driver said, screwing around with the stereo again.

Fine, if you don't want NSync, and you insist on 70's music, deal with this.

"My, my, at Waterloo Napoleon did surrender. And I have met my destiny in quite a similar way…"

"Oh God, turn that off!"

No, I like this song.

"Waterloo – couldn't escape if I wanted to. Waterloo – knowing my fate is to be with you. Whooooaaaa, Waterloo – finally facing my Waterloo. Aaaaahhhhh…"

In a lab somewhere in the middle of Nevada… Watch, it's Area 51, or something…

Dr. Isaacs, a.k.a. "Psycho-Bastard-That-Seems-Happy-At-Unacceptable-Times", or maybe even "Sir Isaac Newton", is watching Alice clones get butchered in somewhat entertaining ways. And he's stuffing popcorn in his face while he does it.

"Hm… They keep failing to escape. Oh well. Hey, guys, get rid of the body and release another Alice!"

Just then an apple cracks him in the head. "Where did that come from?"

And then another, and another…

"God damn it! I'm not Sir Isaac Newton!"

Sure you're not. Hey… He didn't hear me.

"I heard you, I'm just ignoring you."

Why is your name plural? Do you have split personalities? Is one of them Sir Isaac Newton?

"Go away, I'm busy."

Anyway, he has some retarded idea of making intelligent zombies, and right now he should be working on it, but instead he's being a jerk and wasting time.

"Well, aren't you the negative one?"

Screw you, old man. Go to your meeting with "Chancellor Wesker" already.

"Oh, right. I forgot about that. Thank you, disembodied snob."

I will laugh so hard when something bad happens to you.

"Right. Like that will happen."

In the Meeting Room Deep Underground…

A bunch of generic people no one cares about are sitting around, while Wesker, who somehow became a Chancellor, is sitting at the head of the table. He really doesn't look half bad… I kinda figured they'd do a horrible job of portraying him…

"What is that voice and what is it talking about?" one of the generic idiots suddenly asks, breaking the silence.

"That," started Wesker, seemingly not bothered, "Is an omniscient being that would appear to follow people around. It has been dubbed 'The Narrator', due to its constant discussion of what's going on at a specific time".

"I'm not an 'idiot'," the generic moron who started talking in the first place said sadly. "And I'm not a 'moron' either."

Yeah, well, I'm not an 'it'.

"Uh… Is anyone else freaked out by the fact that there's an ethereal voice that follows people around and describes what's going on?" another one of the generic people asked.

"No," answered Wesker. "It has been around for a while now. Everyone eventually gets used to it."

Dr. Isaacs entered, his lab coat trailing slightly in the air, giving him an almost ghostly appearance. "Oh, great… The voice is here, also?"

I'm happy to see you, too.

"This is what I have to put up with. This preposterous 'narrator' is a nuisance."

"Until a way is found to dispose of it, you'll just have to make due with the distraction," Wesker said simply, not concerned in the least.

HA, you bastard!

Dr. Isaacs rolled his eyes, and decided it was better just to get this over with. "Precisely, because you won't leave me alone."

"Isaacs, state your business immediately. You are wasting our time – we didn't call for you to demonstrate your personal sideshow."

"Sorry," he murmured, kind of wishing he could strangle Wesker right now.

Wesker raised an eyebrow at him, and he smiled nervously.

"Shut your trap!" he shouted at the ceiling. Composing himself, he began. "So far Project Alice has been - "

Going nowhere.

Dr. Isaacs glared at the ceiling, and slowly commenced again. "I think I am about to - "

Ruin everything, because I suck.

He paused a moment, an even fouler look adorning his features. When he was sure he wouldn't be interrupted again, he continued. "I - "

Swear it's true, I was just about to say 'I love you', Wesker.

"That is it! I can't stomach this intolerable crank anymore! You make fun of me, imply that I'm homosexual, and interrupt my research every single time I am about to get somewhere! You, whatever you are, stay FAR away from me!"

Want to know something weird? Master P says 'Nnnnaaaa… Na na, na na'.

Nearly everyone in the room exchanged uncomfortable looks.

Wesker went to speak. "We had - "

Hold on. This needs the perfect music.

Suddenly music began to play somewhere. "Don't turn around, oh oh! Der Kommissar's in town, oh oh! He's got the power and you're so weak and you're frustration will not let you speak!"

The doctor ran his hand down his face, exasperated, while Wesker seemed unaffected. "We had better see results soon, Dr. Isaacs."

Dr. Isaacs begrudgingly headed for the door, while the holograms of his colleagues disappeared from their spots around the table, and I go to check on somebody else.

"Good! Good riddance!" he shouted, leaving the room.

Back in the Convoy…

Claire was radioing everyone, trying to locate a cigarette… Chain-smoker.

"Excuse me?!" she shouted, letting go of the steering wheel to shake her, now free, fist at the windshield, and then quickly grabbing the wheel again before the vehicle careened off the road.

Hey, at least I won't be the one with lung cancer.

Before Claire could respond, Carlos radioed back. "Is something wrong in there? You just nearly took out a cactus."

"Yeah, there is," she said nastily.

"Is… that 'the voice' I hear in the background?"

"Yeah, it is. The stupid thing came back."

"What came back?" K-Mart asked.

"Okay, look, you're not going to believe this, but there's this voice that only some of us can hear, and it follows us around saying what we're doing and making jokes," Claire replied.

"You're kidding me, right?" the girl said in disbelief.

Hi, K-Mart. Do you have a twin named Walmart?

"… … What was that?"

"That's the voice," Claire muttered.

"… Why couldn't I hear it before?"

In order for you to hear me, I first have to either address you directly, or talk about you when you're alone. After that, you can hear me whenever I'm in the same vicinity as you.

"Um… How does that make sense?"

Don't ask me. Try asking Smokearella, there.

"If I ever find you, you're dead!" Claire shouted.

I think I'll check in on someone else now. Your threats are boring me.

In another truck…

Carlos was driving along, with the retarded cab driver that makes me laugh… Well, did before this, anyway.

"I have a name, ya know," the cab driver said defensively, "And why don't I make you laugh anymore?"

I know, and I don't care. And you're just not that funny anymore. Maybe a little, but not very.

"Why would I care about making somebody I can't even see laugh?"

"Just ignore her," Carlos said, keeping his eyes on the road.

Yeah, ignore me. Hey, Carlos – you're the first person not to call me 'it', or something to that effect. Nice.

He just smiled. The cab driver twiddled his thumbs.

"So, what are you, anyway? And _where_ are you?"

I'm a human, and I'm sitting in front of a computer.

"Alright, and how do you know what's going on?"

That is for me to know, and you to wonder about because I won't tell.

"I think you owe us an explanation after the last six months of bugging us all the time."

Too bad.

"You suck."

Well, that's something I'm alright with.

"Come on, you can't just tell us something? Like, one thing?"

No.

"Do you have to be such a bitch?"

"Be polite," Carlos said, glancing over at the cab driver briefly. "She might be just a voice to us that can get annoying sometimes, but I imagine she has feelings like we do."

Hm, yeah… But not when it comes to any of you.

"See? Bitch," the cab driver said.

---------

_The first chapter is always the hardest… But I had a lot of fun working on it, actually. I think this story will help me fend off the writer's block from coming back again, and that makes me happy – seriously. When I have writer's block, I get really touchy about my writing. Anywho, this was weird. And the narrator is… extremely bizarre. The narrator picks on Claire a lot in particular namely because I didn't like the movie version of her. I like her in the games, just not in the movie. There's going to be this sort of backstory that she and the narrator have never gotten along; where that will go, I'm not sure._

_I know Alice didn't have much of a role this time, but the next chapter will focus more on her… As well as set in motion the start the "killing crusade" that leads to her pancake head status._

_Okay, that's it for chapter one. Leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


	2. Rednecks and Dorks Through the L Glass

_Time for chapter two… And I'm starting it while I'm watching Patton Oswald get interviewed by Conan O' Brien again…Anyway, I don't know exactly where I'm going with this chapter at this point, or the story in general, but I do know one thing – it'll be weird. Everything I write is weird, but this is super weird. _

_---------_

Chapter Two: Rednecks and Dorks Through the Looking Glass

Alice was still out cold, and the bike was heading into a rather rough area. It would really be in her best interest right around now to wake up, but there's no sign of that happening. Fortunately for her, though, the radio with her crackles to life, with someone calling for help nearby. The sound pulls her out of unconsciousness, and she looks around, apparently unaware of the danger of not controlling the bike off road.

"What happened?"

You got hit by a rock. Now try steering the bike, before you die in a horrible accident.

"Huh?" She now realizes what's going on, and takes control of the motorcycle, trying to orient herself towards the distant road. "You're that voice from before, aren't you?"

Right. You don't seem disturbed.

"Well, I've seen and heard a lot of strange things… What are you?"

The narrator. I talk about everything you do – as well as other people. You may want to listen to that radio broadcast, Alice.

She falls silent, listening to the woman griping over the air.

"Help, please. We're trapped in here, and I've got a baby that needs help."

Yeah, right.

"What did you say?" Alice asked, cautiously glancing at the sky.

Nothing. Listen and figure out where the survivors are. I'm no good with directions.

Taking the coordinates into consideration, she began to head in the direction of the broadcast, finally pulling up outside of a rundown building. The place itself was just seriously creepy, but that didn't stop Alice. Hey, she may be pretty fucked up, but she has a heart… Or at least something like one…

"Wow, thanks. You don't skimp on the compliments," Alice replied sarcastically.

I can be worse. Don't tempt me.

She wanders inside, the place eerily quiet, and begins to head deeper into the building, drawing her gun just in case anything should jump out at her. She enters a dim room, where a fat and ugly woman is sitting with her back to the doorway.

She smells pretty bad, eh, Alice?

Alice doesn't reply. Instead she comes up behind the woman, who turns to face her. "Help my baby."

Don't bother, it's not real.

"What?" Alice questions, looking around, and is surrounded by the dirtiest, most disgusting bunch of inbred rednecks ever known to mankind… And living in an area where there's a fair amount of rednecks, I must say I've never seen any this bad. They make the Thénardiers from _Les Miserables_ seem like Mother Theresa.

Alice laughs a little at that, and the rednecks look at her odd, before grabbing her arms.

The most disgusting of the rednecks, a guy who looks like his face was smashed in with a sledgehammer and then dipped in lighter fluid and set on fire, sidled up to her… While she laughed about what I just said.

He took out a knife, and slid the blade under her belt, obviously thinking about… Well, you know. "What you got down there, fishy?"

"Uh, a little help here?" Alice calls to the ceiling.

Yeah, okay. Even I don't want to see something as nasty as that happen to you, Alice.

"Your radiant compassion is fantastic, but I could really use some help now!"

"What are you talkin' 'bout?" aforementioned disgusting dude said.

Hey, you revolting backwoods rejects! I've got a suggestion for you.

"Where did that come from?" the fat, ugly bitch asked, and then took on a hilarious facial expression. "Who called me a 'fat, ugly bitch'?!"

I did. Wow, you're so smart that Albert Einstein would jump off a bridge out of jealousy.

"What is that?" one of them asked uneasily.

I'm the narrator, and – oh, screw it. Look, let the chick go, or… I'll make something bad happen.

"Like what?" the woman asked, not believing me.

Oh, I dunno. Make you all take baths, and have your rotten teeth pulled?

"You can't do squat."

Alice, do you're thing.

And she did, kicking the really gross guy in the face so hard that he dropped dead. HA!

"Oh my God, he's dead!" fat bitch said.

No duh, retard. I just announced that.

Then they knocked Alice out. She woke up a little later, her hands handcuffed behind her, in a pit where there were cages with zombie dogs. The fat bitch laughed down at her, then glanced at the ceiling weird, still apparently not understanding the function of a narrator.

"Where are you, girlie? If we find you, you can join your friend here, loudmouth snot!"

For one, you can't find me. I'm nowhere near you. And second, she's not my friend. Actually, I might hurt her for fun…

Alice rolled her eyes. "What was the point of helping me, then?"

I'm just that nice.

"Here's the keys – wanted to give you a fighting chance," the fat sack of crap interrupted with a laugh, now getting distracted. "WHAT?!"

You heard me, bitch bag. I'm just stating the obvious. This is your left, this your left – take it, Alice!

"This is your right," she said, suddenly standing up and dropping the handcuffs to the floor with the keys and pointing at up them, "This is your right. You're gonna die."

That really lacked epicness. But you're free, so, whatever.

"Open the cages!" the cow of a woman shouted.

As the dogs were systematically released, Alice managed to get them all wrapped up in live electrical cables that were hanging around. The dogs pulled on the cables that were wrapped around the support beam for the second floor, which began to give. They broke loose just as Alice made it back upstairs, and since the horrible people who had thrown her down in the pit were right there, the dogs opted for an easy meal and attacked them instead. Justice is served.

Farewell to sickening human trash.

"Agreed," Alice replied, running out of there. In the next room, she began looking around, noticing a door where a buzzing sound could be heard. She opened it (as if the buzzing wasn't an ominous enough sign), and was not only hit by the strong odor of long rotten flesh, but a swarm of millions of flies. In front of her was a body hanging from the ceiling, and below it, a journal. She grabbed the journal, and ran out of the building, leaving the ordeal behind her.

"Thanks for helping me."

No, no, don't thank me. You won't like me very much as time goes by. I have a plan for you.

"What do you mean?"

You'll see. Anyway, that journal talks about getting radio transmissions from Alaska, Alice. There's no disease there. Do you know what that means?

"That's where I have to go."

Exactly. Now, it's getting late. You should find a place to camp soon. Follow that highway away from here, and stop where there's a lot of rocks – you'll be okay there. I'll see you again tomorrow.

She gave the sky a suspicious look, before heading for her bike. "What are you going to do?"

I have some other people to harrass in the meantime.

"Other people? Are they nearby?"

Yes. If you do what I told you, you'll find them tomorrow. Watch for crows, and follow them. I'm going now.

"But… … Weirdo."

Back with the convoy…

"This is Claire Redfield's convoy. Can anyone hear me?"

I can hear you.

"Ah, you're back," Mikey, the radio guy, said uninterestedly.

You're not going to contact anyone down here, you know. Everyone's dead.

"Well, what about you?"

How many times do I have to explain, I'm not actually there. Think of my voice projection as an elaborate emulation.

"What about the rest of the stuff you do? Reading minds, making things happen?"

Emulation. Look, I'm just like you. I'm just also in control.

"What does that mean?"

Hey, I don't know how it works, either. But if I was there, then I'd be just another one of you. It's sort of like…

"_Total Recall_?"

I never figured out exactly what happened in the end of that… But, yeah, I guess it's like that. Or _12 oz. Mouse_.

"So is this an emulation, or is it real? I mean, it must be real… You're real, aren't you?"

Oh, it's real. And so am I.

"Then why don't you come here?"

Why would anyone want to go where you are? Besides, I'm safe here.

"I don't know… You sound like you're afraid."

Of what? You?

"Come see us. We won't hurt you."

"I will," piped up Claire from the front.

Right. I'd like to see her try.

"Then pay us a visit and I'll show you!"

Terrible attitude, Redfield, terrible. Your friend here is much nicer.

"Like you know what nice is," she retorted, and Mikey took on a confused look.

"Does that mean I'm not nice?"

Redfield, watch where you're going. You're about to come to a zombie-free camping spot.

"Go to hell, I'm paying attention and I don't need your help."

You won't be saying that later…

"What?" Mikey and Claire asked in unison.

Nothing.

Back in the underground lab…

While two guys in haz-mat suits were preoccupied with dumping Alice bodies into a trench on the surface, and thousands of zombies milled around the perimeter hungrily, Dr. Isaacs and a couple of his co-workers were screwing around below… Not like that.

They were in a room with glass (actually, it's probably polyurethane) walls, beside a table at the head of which sat a zombie, tightly secured to a chair, and snarling at them.

"Hi, narrator," dork #1 said.

"Greetings," dork #2 said.

"Burn in hell," Dr. Isaacs said.

"Come on, Sir," dork #1 said, "She's not that bad if you get to know her."

"Are you serious? She calls you dorks #1 and 2," he replied, looking at them funny.

"We don't mind," dork #2 answered. "You've called us worse."

Horrible old Dr. Isaacs, the lab dictator.

The two dorks chuckled, and he gave them both a dirty look. "Leave me be," he addressed the ceiling.

Oh! By Jingo said 'By gosh, by gee, by jimminy, please don't bother me'…

"There are three problems with quoting that song. One, I don't talk like that! Two, I was not alive in 1942! Three, I am not a woman!"

The two dorks began laughing again… And fell silent soon after when they saw the expression on the doctor's face.

"Stop laughing and get to work!"

"Um… One dilemma. You didn't tell us what to do yet," dork #1 explained timidly.

Dr. Isaacs sighed deeply, slamming his head into the wall a little harder than he should have. "I hate my life, I hate my job, I hate ALL OF YOU…"

Shouldn't you be working? Or do I have to tell Chancellor Wesker you're wasting time again?

"Just stay out of it! This is none of your business! And yet you hang around, anyway, and cause problems for all of us!"

"Actually," dork #2 said, "You're the only one who really seems to mind her being around."

"Shut your mouth, or I'll feed you to the test subject!" Dr. Isaacs shouted, turning around and gabbing a hold of a 20-gauge needle filled with a nasty looking fluid… Which is Alice's blood, apparently.

He walked up behind the zombie, which now began to struggle to turn around, hissing at him. He jammed the needle into the cervical region of its spine, and depressed the plunger until all of the… fluid… had emptied from it.

He stepped back, and they watched as the zombie's eyes turned completely black. It stared at them.

"Here, try this," Dr. Isaacs pushed a cellphone towards the zombie.

Slowly, it picked it up, opened it and began dialing.

"Heh, he knows how to use it."

"Uh, did he just make a call?" dork #1 asked, and dork #2 took the phone from the zombie, holding it to his ear.

"Sorry, no, we don't want a pizza. I don't care how desperate you are for customers, we're not hungry! Wait… You're willing to deliver anywhere in the world?"

Dr. Isaacs knocked the phone out of dork #2's hand, and gave the zombie a camera.

It turned it on, and took a picture, making the two dorks jump.

"Stand your ground," the doctor barked at them.

"How can we technically stand our ground if he can't move, anyway?" dork #1 asked, and Dr. Isaacs threw the camera at him.

Then he pushed one of those stick-the-shapes-through-the-same-shaped-holes things to the zombie, and it began doing it. For a moment, anyhow.

Out of nowhere, the zombie suddenly began to growl and spaz out.

"What's wrong?" dork #2 asked, backing away.

"Everything feels aggression," Dr. Isaacs said simply, watching it struggle to free itself from the straps… And then ripping them right off.

The zombie grabbed dork #1, while the doctor and dork #2 ran for the door. Dr. Isaacs made it out first, slamming the door behind him and holding it shut, while dork #2 pounded on the clear wall.

"Let me out!"

Dr. Isaacs watched with a faint smile as the zombie tore dork #2 apart right in front of him.

God, I wish that was you, you sick bastard. They didn't really deserve to die… But you definitely do.

"Don't count on it," he said smugly, heading down the hall.

Oh, we'll see who has the last laugh, motherfucker.

Back with the convoy…

The massive group had come across an abandoned gas station, and decided to take a look around to make sure it was, in fact, vacant. Carlos and the cab driver headed inside the building cautiously, weapons drawn, and watching for anything anomalous.

The cab driver wandered into a back room where there didn't seem to be any sign of life.

"You know, 'the cab driver' is actually sort of catchy… It makes me sound like that guy from Cash Cab."

… How did you arrive at that conclusion?

"It's sort of like Cher, but 'the cab driver'."

Quick, if you don't want to die, turn around!

He turned, coming face to face with a zombie that had been sneaking up on him, and grabbed him, knocking him to the floor and taking a bite out of his chest in the process.

Carlos rushed into the room and killed it as quickly as he could. "Are you okay?" he asked, helping him up.

"Yeah. Damn thing took a bite out of me, though… You know," the cab driver joked, "Your description of that fight was very bland, narrator."

The two of them laughed. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

The medic chick came in, a smile on her face. "Anybody need my help?"

"Right here," the cab driver replied.

"Hi, narrator," the medic chick acknowledged. "I'd like it better if you called me Betty."

Yeah, hi. And don't care.

The cab driver and the medic chick got talking about having dinner together… And other stuff…

"I'm leaving," Carlos said, heading out of the building.

Outside Carlos scanned the perimeter. It would be getting dark before they knew it, and then they'd have to set up the cameras.

Carlos, tell me a joke, or something. I'm falling asleep.

"Why don't you go to sleep then?" he questioned, observing the cloudless sky.

I don't sleep until everyone does.

"Hm…" he trailed off, spotting the greasy bus driver handing out cans of food nearby, "You know a lot about what goes on here, right? Do you know where there's food supplies?"

Not off hand. I don't watch everything, just people.

"Well, if you notice anything, give me a heads up, huh?"

I'm not promising anything.

"Heh, thanks," he said with a grin, not quite trusting my skepticism.

Over by the bus…

The greasy bus driver was handing out cans of food, most of which made a disgusting sloshing sound when he shook them. "Beans," he said tossing a can to someone.

If you could find some potatoes it would be easy for you to make french fries – just collect all the grease that's pouring off of you in a jar.

He frowned for a moment. "Man, what's up with you? Normally you're a little nicer than that."

Something's going to happen. Tell your companions to keep a close watch for anything overnight. It could mean disaster.

"A bit menacing, don't you think?"

"What's she babbling about now?" Claire asked as she came up.

Watch yourself, Redfield.

"Are you threatening me?"

No, I'm warning you. There's something coming overnight. Watch for it.

"I don't trust you," she grumbled.

"I sort of do," the greasy bus driver said. "She can be unpleasant, but she's never steered us wrong before."

"She's evil."

Haha, funny.

"Crème of mushroom soup," the bus driver said, tossing Claire the unmarked can.

She opened it, and sure enough, it was. "How do you do that?"

"It's just something I can do."

You're a shoe-in for the next narrator, bus driver.

"I'll think I'll stick with my day job," he chuckled.

It eventually began to get dark, and while the cab driver and the medic chick were sharing dinner in the ambulance, Carlos was out driving around on a quad, setting up the cameras.

Claire found Mikey in the back of the truck, turning on the monitors. "Are we online yet?"

"Almost," he replied.

"She says there's something coming overnight," Claire said bitterly, glancing at the darkening sky. "Sleep with one eye open. Carlos, move your ass, old man. Finish putting up the cameras," she said into the radio.

Those most likely won't help. You'll need to be vigilant.

"What do you mean? These cameras will pick up anything that moves near them," Claire replied.

Near them. But above them?

"If anything's out there, we'll know," Mikey said calmly, turning on the last of the monitors.

Goodnight, convoy. And good luck.

Out in the desert…

Alice was sleeping soundly beside her fire, dreaming. Unfortunately, her dreaming triggered her telekinesis, and the next thing you know, her bike, as well as a lot of rocks, are in the air. And what goes up, must come down.

Alice woke with a start when the debris hit the sand, looking around and spotting the destroyed motorcycle. "Damn it," she sighed, falling back onto the sand. "You're back again?"

Uh-huh.

"Do you ever sleep?"

When everyone I watch does.

"You sound like Big Brother."

George Orwell couldn't have imagined what's happened here.

"Are you by any chance related to the Red Queen?"

God, no. For one, I'm human, not a program. And also that psycho bitch is annoying – I wouldn't want to be related to her. Do you know what the Red Queen is from?

"No."

_Alice Through the Looking Glass. _She was a very paranoid chess piece. And her opposite was the White Queen. You'll meet her soon enough.

"Paranoid, go figure."

At least she wasn't the Queen of Hearts.

"What did she do?"

Complain and have people executed. Off with their heads, Alice!

"Yeah… Off with their heads…" she murmured, dozing off again.

-----------

_I had actually intended for this chapter to end after the crow attack, but it ran a bit long for that, so I had to cut it short. This chapter weirds me out… And I wrote it. _

_Hm… I'm not sure if I'll go anywhere with the "Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass" references or not… That was always one thing that bugged me about those movies, though. Lewis Carroll freaks me the hell out, worse than Roald Dahl, and he wrote some pretty messed up stuff. _

_Ah well, I had better get my three hours of sleep before I have to get up again. This is it for chapter two, so leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


	3. Mom?

_Ah, I'm back for another chapter – seriously, I'm having fun with this. It really gets out the pent up aggression, nah just kidding about that. It is fun, though. And it's helping me get ideas for other things I work on. When I started, I honestly didn't feel anything for any of the movie characters… But now they're kinda starting to grow on me… Which, on some level, is very creepy…_

_I've been playing with the idea of keeping some of the characters alive longer than they were in the movie – because honestly, it sort of sucks when you have a whole bunch of characters die in one part of a movie. I mean, this isn't "Final Destination". I'm still not sure, though; I need to think it over some more._

_The chapter is a bit shorter this week, because, well, I've had a lot on my mind. And last night I got too caught up in other stuff to really work on it. But it's okay – all stories have a short chapter here and there._

-----------

Chapter Three: Mom??

"Dr. Isaacs," the White Queen said, appearing out of nowhere.

He groaned, covering his eyes at the sound of my voice following hers. "Yes?"

"Approximately one hour ago, I picked up a strong occurrence of psychokinetic activity in the desert."

He perked up. "Alice?"

"It was fairly advanced, but it only lasted for a few seconds."

"See if you can get a trace on it… And can you try to figure out where that disembodied voice is coming from?"

"I have tried numerous times, Dr. Isaacs, but to no avail. I will try once again."

Good luck, Queen. You probably won't find me.

"Past failure would suggest that may be true," she addressed the thin air, before disappearing.

Your work will never amount to anything, in your lifetime, Doctor. Just give up.

"What do you know about it?" he questioned nastily, his almost-but-not-quite elation from the news that Alice had been found, fading quickly.

All you've done, if really anything, is create zombies that are briefly intelligent, then go completely berserk. How useful.

"For your information, I'm working on a cure to the virus. It's close, I just need to tweak the final product."

Tweaking is for when you have a cure for the common cold that makes people vomit blood. This needs an overhaul.

"It needs Alice. And I will find her."

Yeah, I'm sure you will. She might be on the stupid side, but she's a little smarter than that – she's not just going to walk right up to you.

"You know her?" he said, looking around the room oddly.

We've talked. I'm not terribly crazy about her, but we get along okay. For now.

"Where is she?"

Like I'd tell you? Besides, I don't tell people anything directly – I hint. And you don't need hints, you need a brain and some foresight.

"You are such an acrimonious - "

Don't bother finishing that sentence. I could really hurt you, if I wanted to.

"I'd like to see you try," he dared.

Hm, let's see, something appropriate for Sir Isaac Newton…

"If you call me that again, I will find you myself and you'll be sorry."

Ooh, I'm scared. Have I got a quote for you! 'I'm going to show you pain you never knew existed! You're going to see a whole new spectrum of pain – like a rainbow!'

He stared at the wall, a look of disturbed confusion coming over him. "You're just a wealth of peculiarity."

I get that all the time. You – you're not so normal yourself, buddy. At least I have friends.

"I _have_ friends!"

Like who? That Slater dude?

"Are you joking?" he asked incredulously, just as, whom else, but Slater should walk in.

He paused mid-step, eyeing the ceiling strangely, still having not grown accustomed to hearing me after the last few months. "Are you always here every time I come by?"

Don't flatter yourself. Weren't you supposed to be here hours ago? Like, before the meeting?

"I got caught in traffic."

Slater, I'm a disembodied voice, not a complete retard. There IS no traffic here. Even Dr. Isaacs isn't stupid enough to believe that.

Dr. Isaacs gave the ceiling a dirty look, and then resumed glaring at Slater, who glared back. This went on for a long time.

Uh, people, aren't you supposed to be doing something? Do I have to have to make some phone calls to a certain Chancellor in Japan?

"Who are you? Our mom?" Slater asked, looking around funny, as did the doctor.

I'm not old enough. I would have to have been born when dinosaurs still roamed the earth. And even then, I'd have to wait for your father to be born – the first Neanderthal.

Dr. Isaacs shook his head, deciding not to dignify that with a response. "What do you want?"

"Oh, I don't know. How about an explanation why my men keep having to make trips to the surface?"

"These," he said simply, pulling aside a curtain that had been hiding another room made of polyurethane that was full of super zombies banging against the walls like Free Willy high on PCP.

"Look, just knock it off," Slater said simply.

'Knock it off'? That's all you're going to say to him? You're supposed to be making sure he doesn't screw around - do you have any idea how to do your own job?

"Shut up," Slater complained, and he got drenched by a waterfall of cow blood. "… Why… the HELL… did you do that?!"

Because it will only attack large animals if it smells blood.

"It?"

Just then a fairly large piranha fell on his head, sliding off and grabbing a hold of his nose in the process.

"Oh God, oh God, get it off!" he screamed like a girl, running around in circles until he tripped over a chair and went face-first into the floor.

Dr. Isaacs glanced up at the ceiling. "Is that all you've got?"

You just wait and see. Right now, I've got other people to bug.

Back at the camp…

The greasy bus driver was dozing in the driver's seat, until he heard me. He blinked a few times, stirring for a moment before stretching.

"What time is it?"

Very early.

"How early?"

About 4am.

"Why did you… well, indirectly, wake me up?"

I warned you, remember?

"Right, right. It's still dark, though. No one would be able to see anything now."

But dawn is coming soon.

The bus driver turned in his seat to look back at everyone else on the bus, sleeping soundly propped against the windows and each other. They all looked so peaceful… What a shame that all hell would break loose in just a manner of hours.

He shifted uncomfortably, deciding to change the subject. "Why is it you're picky about who you call by name?"

Let's put it this way, none of you particularly thrill me… And I wouldn't want to get attached to anyone.

"How come? Are you afraid something bad will happen?"

I know something bad will happen.

"Well, you control a lot of stuff. Couldn't you, in theory, just change what happens?"

No. But I could tweak details. But, by doing that, the course of events would become unstable, and almost anything could transpire.

He thought for a moment and shrugged, the subject of the future not terribly troubling to him at the time, despite the coming threat. "Why don't you call me Otto, anyway?"

I'll think about it. This just hit me… Your name is Otto, and you drive a school bus. On The Simpsons, the school bus driver is also named Otto.

"Huh… That's really weird…"

Elsewhere in the camping site…

Mikey was dead asleep, despite Claire's counsel to 'sleep with one eye open'… Did he even pay attention?

Mikey. Mikey, hello? MIKEY!

"What is it, mom?"

Excuse me?

The fairly drowsy guy, having finally opened his eyes, looked around. "Oh, sorry… I was in the middle of a dream…"

Why is it people keep calling me mom? I'm not that old!

"Um, what did you want?" he yawned, trying to get his eyes to focus.

It's almost dawn, you clown. You're supposed to be watching for anything that might come around here.

"What am I looking for, anyway?"

It flies, and has feathers.

"Bats??"

Since when do bats have feathers?

"Uh…"

Wow, are you always like this when you wake up? Birds, man, birds.

"Birds? What harm could a few birds do?"

We're not talking about a few.

"Ten? Twelve?"

… I think I'll go wake someone else up. You stay awake and watch the horizon.

"Uh-huh." He yawned again, closing his eyes and nodding right back off.

Damn.

Also elsewhere in the camp…

Carlos was barely asleep at all, having actually heeded my warning to Claire. He tapped his fingers idly, staring into the darkness. "I thought you sleep when everyone else does."

True, for a couple hours. But not everyone's asleep, obviously.

"Yeah, couldn't sleep."

Mikey and Otto are… somewhat… vigilant. So I guess it's up to you to stay awake.

"You're pretty helpful for someone who claims not to like us very much."

Eh, I do what I can. And while I'm being helpful, I should tell you to keep an eye on the cab driver.

"LJ? Why?"

He's infected.

"Wait… He's infected?? When did that happen??"

Yesterday, during the zombie fight, duh. Didn't you hear him say he got bit?

"…No."

I'm beginning to think that this convoy is hopeless.

---------

_Eh, this chapter didn't cover much ground. Like I said last chapter, I wanted to do the crow attack here, but I sort of got lost on what I actually want to do with it, and I need some time to ponder it over before I write it. Also, I got a request from HospitalHorror to help me write this, so I have to see what happens with that, too - right now we're in the process of figuring everything out._

_Oh, and I forgot to mention last time, the "This is Your Left/This is Your Right" song is from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. And in this chapter, the "Like a rainbow!" quote is borrowed from the Korgoth of Barbaria pilot episode._

_Hm… I think that's basically it. Well, that wraps up this chapter. Leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


	4. The Narrator Strikes Back

_Okay, I've got an announcement – HospitalHorror will be co-writing this with me starting next chapter. We've decided that we'll alternate who writes the chapter, so chapter five will be hers, six mine, and so on and so forth. We'll work together to collaborate on the plot and all that, it's just that who writes the chapter will rotate._

_This is the last chapter I'm doing on my own before we begin co-writing ('cause I planned it out ahead of time), and it will be weird. But that's normal for me._

_I decided to go in a new direction with the crow attack. Instead of it happening exactly like it did in the movie, it's going to go a little differently, but still similar. There will be one part towards the end of the chapter, where the narrator goes absent for a while, but there's still descriptions. It'll be odd, but hopefully not confusing._

_Let's see… Among the other things I've thought over for this chapter is where Nonliving-Nightmare (since he did help me come up with the plot), HospitalHorror and I will make a cameo appearance – or sort of one. This whole story started with me joking that I'd like to hop into the movie and punch Alice in the face – so guess what's going to happen?_

----------

Chapter Four: The Narrator Strikes Back

Dr. Isaacs had an idea. And all it would lead to, in the end, was trouble.

"What makes you such an expert?" he sneered, briefly looking up from his laptop.

Because I already know what's going to happen. And if I were you, I'd reconsider the plan to go out looking for Alice and sicking the super zombies on her.

"What are you going to do about it?"

Me, nothing. It's not me you should be worried about. Don't you have another meeting?

"Are you a living memorandum?"

Why did you answer a question with a question?

"Oh, go to hell," he grumbled, getting up and leaving.

In the meeting room…

Chancellor Wesker and the generic people no one cares about were waiting for their two idiot employees to show up for the meeting – which was supposed to start fifteen minutes earlier. They were all rather bored on some level, and so was I, so I took up staring at Wesker.

You're a man who was a boy who is a tree. Perfect hair forever…

At that moment, both Slater and Dr. Isaacs walked into the room… hand in hand.

"No we did not, and you know it!" Slater shouted, scratching his bandaged nose and moving further away from the doctor uncomfortably. The generic idiots laughed.

…Watch out for bears, to them you are spaghetti dinner…

Everyone exchanged weird looks, except for Wesker, who was above even dignifying how disturbing it is to have a singing narrator at your meeting.

Isaacs decided it was time to get the show on the road. In his case, the freak show.

He just rolled his eyes, and began. "In working on the cure, I seem to have created a stronger, more aggressive type of zombie. I'm requesting clearance to take a crate of them above ground and see what they can do."

"Denied," Wesker said simply, not even having to think about it.

"But it could be important research," he defended his request.

"It's a waste of time, labor, resources and, if something goes wrong, lives."

Dr. Isaacs felt pretty strongly about this, and intended to make it a point… Although it wouldn't work, anyway.

"Stay out of this," he warned the ceiling, walking right up to the hologram of Wesker and getting in his face.

"You would throw away the opportunity to study something that could help develop a cure? Exactly what do you want to achieve?!"

If Wesker was actually there in person, he'd be covered in Dr. Isaacs' spit, because the guy is like a sprinkler when he talks. And a waterfall when he shouts. I mean, look at his face – he's covered in his own saliva.

The generic idiots laughed amongst themselves, while Dr. Isaacs ran a hand down his face, trying to pretend that he wasn't embarrassed.

Once the room had come to a calm, Wesker answered. "I want to achieve progress. And I don't see that being done as of right now. Don't you agree, Slater?"

Slater didn't respond, except for a slight nod.

"Go back to your research, Dr. Isaacs."

And actually do some work this time.

The doctor cast a disdainful glare around the room, and left in a huff.

Assured that he was out of hearing range, Wesker addressed Slater directly. "Keep a close eye on him."

Slater gave another nod, and turned to go back to playing watchdog, a job he would ultimately fail at.

"I'll show you failure," he scoffed, scratching at the bandage again. "Don't even think of dropping another piranha on me."

No, no piranhas. I have something better in mind for you. But it'll have to wait; I've got an appointment after sunrise.

"What happens then?" he questioned with an hesitant glance around the hall.

A kick-ass reenactment of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds.

In the middle of nowhere…

The suns rays broke over the sandy dunes of the desert, painting the sky a pale pink and orange. Somewhere in the distance, coyotes were howling.

"Coyotes?" Alice yawned, blocking the light from her eyes with one arm.

What, there can't be coyotes in a post-apocalyptic world? There are crows, dogs, some things that used to be animals…

"What are you doing up so early?"

I have an endeavor to attend to soon. Plus, I'm looking for a badger to throw at this guy that I dropped a piranha on.

"I'm not going to ask."

You should get up and get walking soon. The crows will be flocking any time now.

"Why am I looking for crows, anyway?"

You'll find out when you reach your destination.

"And what direction do I go?"

Straight ahead.

"That's useful."

Just get going. Now that you're awake, I've got to leave.

"She always leaves in such a hurry…"

Back at the camp…

The crows had already begun to congregate in small groups around the site, catching the scent of warm flesh. Most of the convoy was still sleeping, unaware of the hazard lurking right outside, and what would become of them depended on their actions in the next fifteen minutes.

Otto was watching the birds circle overhead like vultures before landing, and wondering just how safe it was to leave the confines of the bus.

"So, this was what you were talking about. How many of these things are there?"

A thousand, probably. Have you ever seen birds flock in large groups to evade predators? Well, these are doing that for the exact opposite reason.

"What should we do?"

Get off the bus, and go into that little "Bates Motel" dealie there.

"If that were the Bates Motel, you couldn't pay me to go in there," he joked, trying to take his mind off of the birds, looking around the grounds uncertainly. "… How do we know the birds won't attack or something if we start moving around?"

These crows are a lot stupider than normal crows. They don't care about movement unless something gets them upset. But you have to be as quiet as possible, because sound will set them off. Just like The Birds.

"I don't know…"

Trust me, I'm the narrator.

"What about everyone else?"

I'll take care of them. Now move, and carefully, or you'll lose the opportunity.

Otto got up and began waking everyone on the bus up, explaining the situation.

Elsewhere in the camp…

Carlos watched with apprehension as more and more crows gathered, uncountable numbers of them. "What's happening?"

They're hungry. And if you aren't careful, they'll be dining soon. I already told Otto to get everyone off the bus and move them inside the motel.

"What? Is that even remotely safe?"

If they move slowly and are quiet, everything will be just dandy. I would suggest you go wake up Mikey, 'cause he fell back to sleep. But do it in person – you need to avoid unnecessary sound.

He held off for a moment, questioning how safe this really was, and then slowly opened the door, watching the birds cautiously as he unhurriedly climbed out and began to inch his way towards the truck. When he finally got there, he quietly opened the doors.

Mikey was sound asleep when Carlos reached in and tapped him. "Five more minutes…"

"Mikey, weren't you supposed to be awake? Watching the monitors?"

"Huh? Um, yeah, I guess…"

One simple task, Mikey, and you couldn't do it. I'm going to get back at you for that.

"Why? I didn't do it intentionally," he insisted timidly.

The birds are arriving.

"How many?"

Hundreds, possibly a thousand.

He almost shrieked out loud, but Carlos managed to cover his mouth just in time. "Mikey, we need to get everyone inside the motel, fast. Be quiet, and go make sure everyone from the bus gets inside."

Mikey nodded, and Carlos removed his hand from his face, moving aside so he could get out and wander off.

Carlos, go make sure the motel windows are blocked, with anything you can find. Get Chase to help you, since he doesn't do much of anything else.

Meanwhile…

Claire was snoring, her hat covering her face to block out the sunlight… Maybe that's why she's snoring. K-Mart blinked, waking up.

"Hm… Narrator? What are you doing?"

Look outside.

There was a crow standing on the hood of the truck, looking around. It cawed, and she jumped. "Claire, wake up!"

Claire woke up, fixing her ugly hat, and observing the crow in silence.

"What's wrong with its eyes?"

She looked at it closely. "It's infected."

"What do we do?"

Keep very quiet. Whatever you do, don't make any loud noises, or sudden movements. And get out and make your way into the motel.

"Are you insane?" Claire asked the ceiling.

Carlos and the trucker are already blockading the windows, and Otto is working on getting everyone off the bus slowly. If you don't want to be killed, I'd suggest you make a move pretty soon.

"How can I be sure you're not setting us up?" she said, her distrustful nature towards me hindering the possibility of her own survival.

I gave you a fair warning – if that's not reason enough to believe me, then I don't know what is. Do you want this to be a catastrophe?

"Come on, Claire. We'd probably be more safe inside," K-Mart said.

She thought. "Alright, but we'd better be on our guard."

They opened the doors, and began to get out when an aluminum can got knocked over. The rattling sound disturbed the crow on the hood, and it began cawing an alert to the flock. The distress signal set off such a racket that it sent everyone in a mad rush to get off the bus as the birds began pecking at the vehicle windows. Carlos came running outside at the sound of the melee commencing, and he and Claire started trying to take down as many crows as possible. The place was completely swarmed with hungry birds, and sadly, people were getting picked off left and right as they frantically ran for the motel. One person was using a flame-thrower to set the birds on fire, and they got attacked shortly after, leaving the flame-thrower spinning around, spewing fire into the air.

In the middle of the fray, K-Mart had been unlucky enough to get stranded in the open, and was about to get pecked to death when Carlos ran to her rescue. At just the moment it seemed like they were about to get roasted alive, Alice came over the hill.

In quite possibly the only scenario I've ever found telekinesis to be useful, she shielded Carlos and K-Mart from danger, obscuring the blue sky with fire, and char-broiling the crows. The danger past, we see a touching/sickening moment where Carlos takes Alice into his arms and she starts crying. Moving on…

There was a handful of people who were killed, torn apart by the ravenous birds in the fracas. Among them, the kind Nurse Betty, now horribly deformed, in a pool of blood.

Someone stood at her side, delivering a eulogy. "Now the leaves are falling fast, Nurse's flowers will not last; Nurses to the graves are gone, and the prams go rolling on."

Betty, wake up.

"What?" the nurse said, waking with a start and looking around anxiously. "… I dreamed that I died…"

You and the cab driver slept through the whole attack. You're very lucky, because if you didn't, you would have met your end.

"Did… you do that?"

Maybe.

"LJ, wake up," Betty said to her companion, shaking him. "It's over – the danger's gone."

"What are you talking about?" he murmured groggily.

A mass crow attack, during which some people died. You should go check on everyone.

Inside the motel…

Most of the group had made it inside, and were huddled together in the main room. Otto, who was lucky enough to have survived, listened carefully to the silence outside while Mikey peered through a crack between the window and a bookcase.

"I think it's over."

The door suddenly opened, and everyone in the room collectively gasped.

"It's okay – they're gone!" Betty announced.

Back at the underground lab…

Dr. Isaacs was messing around with stuff, as usual, while a program was running on his computer, playing back the discussion he'd had with Chancellor Wesker earlier, and trying to ignore me.

The White Queen appeared. "Dr. Isaacs, I have traced the location of the telekinetic incidence."

He briefly glanced at her before the computer suddenly announced "Download Complete!" and began playback of the edited audio.

"I want to achieve progress, and I see that being done. Go."

Do you think they'll really believe he said that?

"They're too stupid not to," he replied with an arrogant smirk, grabbing the laptop and heading out.

Later, back at the camp…

Hey, Alice, anybody in there?

"Uh…" she mumbled, not opening her eyes. "What do you want?"

Nothing.

"Everybody heard about what you did," K-Mart, who had been sitting there watching her sleep, said and Alice opened her eyes to look at her, noticing one of those old-school friendship bracelets now tied around her wrist. "That was pretty cool."

"Is this yours?" she asked, looking from her wrist to the girl.

She nodded.

"Thanks," Alice smiled. "I'm Alice."

"I'm K-Mart. Since that's where they found me."

"What's your real name?"

"I don't really remember. I didn't like it, anyway."

You girls are boring me to death. Go join the group, or something, yeesh.

They exchanged looks and climbed out of the truck, going over to where what was left of the convoy had gathered, beside a small graveyard for the dead.

Claire came up to Alice, with an air of uneasiness. "What the hell are you talking about?" she barked at the sky, then choosing to drop it, addressed Alice. "Thanks. For helping us."

"No problem."

"I'm Claire Redfield, the leader of the convoy. We've been driving around the last six months, trying to avoid the monsters and find supplies."

"There's nowhere safe anymore," Carlos added, coming up.

"Alaska."

"Pardon?"

"Alaska. I found a journal that said there were transmissions coming from Alaska. There's no disease there."

Carlos and Claire looked at each other.

"That's where we need to go. The narrator told me so," Alice said, showing them the journal.

"These entries are dated months ago," Claire said, taking on an attitude again.

"But it's the only chance we could ever have," Alice answered.

"The last thing we need to do is give these people false hope."

"Claire, look at them. The haven't had hope in such a long time, it couldn't hurt to give them something to hope for," Carlos said.

"Fine, okay. But we'll need to find provisions first. We're already running on empty as it is. Where are we going to go, though?"

Completely at random, the radio in the bus suddenly came on loudly. "Thumbing your way to Vegas, dirty and dreaming like you're out of control…"

"Las Vegas," they said in unison.

Looking around, Alice noticed something. "Hey… Why did the narrator stop talking?"

"She did? Good," Claire laughed.

What they hadn't been expecting, was for a complete stranger to show up. "Ahem."

They turned around, finding themselves in the presence of a young woman with shoulder-length dark brunette hair, wearing a black T-shirt with the red medical cross dripping blood on it, a denim miniskirt and white high-heel boots, also adorned with medical crosses, sans the dribbling blood.

"Who are you? And do you always dress like a total psycho?" Claire asked.

"I'm the narrator. And no, this was actually my idea for a Halloween costume based on a game I'm designing, but I wore it just for this."

They stared at her as she walked up to Alice, and socked her right in the face. Alice, being the type who fights back, and not quite realizing her own strength, grabbed her by the arm… and ripped the limb right off.

"Oh ho ho ho, DAMN that hurt!" the narrator shouted, putting her hand to the spot where the arm used to be connected, and blood was now spurting from. "You bitch!"

She kicked Alice in the stomach, and they began fist-fighting for the arm.

"Wait, you're the narrator?" Claire said, a few minutes behind on the uptake, "I have a bone to pick with you."

The narrator wrestled her arm out of Alice's grasp just as Claire approached her.

"By the power of narration, I HAVE THE POWER!!!" she shouted, slapping Claire across the face with her severed arm.

All of a sudden, a brown-haired guy stuck his head out of the driver's side window of the nearby ambulance, and called to her. "Vee, come on, lets get out of here!"

"Be forewarned, you're in for it now that you ripped my arm off!" the narrator exclaimed, running off to jump in the ambulance with a quick "Suckers!" before they drove off into the desert.

The three of them stared wordlessly at the trail of blood.

"That… was really weird," Carlos said, breaking the silence.

Well, guess what? It's about to get weirder.

"No fucking way, she's talking again?" Claire moaned, "You're arm gets ripped off and you immediately come back to annoy us?"

That's my job. Now say hello to my associate.

"Associate?" they said, once again in unison.

Another girl had come up to them, smiling, and began to introduce herself. "Hi, the name's Maddi. And I'm the narrator's roving ambassador."

----------

_Like I said, very strange._

_In the end, I decided to keep Betty and Otto alive, 'cause I felt bad for them. What will happen to them now, I have no clue, but HospitalHorror and I will come up with something as we begin collaborating. The "Betty-dreaming-she-died" thing was an idea that came to me out of nowhere one night, and I used it so that, on some level, the plot was more similar to the movie, with her dying – except it was a dream. The motel bit sort of made more sense to me than everybody piling into one vehicle – a vehicle is only so secure, you know? So I changed that, too._

_The narrator getting her arm ripped off was from the original conversation with Nonliving-Nightmare that inspired this story. I couldn't resist using it, seriously. Now I've just got to figure out how to incorporate the attempts on Alice's life that lead to her becoming a pancake head. I want them to stay in the original order we suggested them in, so I've got to put a lot of thought into that…_

_Well, that's it for this chapter! Join us next time, when my new co-writer will write her first chapter of the story! In the meantime, leave me a review and let me know what you think!_


	5. What Happens In Vegas, Doesn't Always St

_Heyo bay bays! It is your new co-writer Hospital Horror, though in the story I will be Maddi, so as you can guess this chappie will be the whole Vegas endeavor. No Narrator in this part just ambassador, wh000t, must give Vee a chance to get her arm back on._

_Xxxx_

Chapter Five: What Happens In Vegas, Doesn't Always Stay In Vegas

_That's my job. Now say hello to my associate._

"_Associate?" they said, once again in unison._

_Another girl had come up to them, smiling, and began to introduce herself. "Hi, the name's Maddi. And I'm the narrator's roving ambassador."_

"Hahahah flashbacks are amazing!" The 16-year-old girl now standing before the three cackled, she had shoulder-length brown hair in pigtail braids and wore blue skinny jeans, worn converses and an old Against Me! T-shirt as well as a black bandana tied hippy style across her forehead. From her pocket she pulled a pair of aviators and shoved them onto her face.

"Now I'm ready!"

"For what?" Carlos asked nervously.

"To go to Vegas of course, why do you think I'm here? For shits and giggles? Cos this would be the _last_ place on my list. And even though I think Vegas isn't the smartest place to go, we have to because this event sets many more in motion." She glances around at them spookily, then perked up again. "Plus be happy I'm here, you'll prolly find that I'm nicer than Vee."

"Phhhsssh, yeah right." Claire huffed crossing her arms childishly.

"Weeeeeeell, aren't we Miss Negative. Fine if you don't believe me I'll be nice to everyone _except_ you."

Claire suddenly worried about being disliked by yet _another_ person, who could decide whether they lived or died, tried to apologize.

"I didn't mean it like that, it's just that, well the Narrator doesn't like me at all and I get sad inside and it's just…"

"Quit your blabbering, woman!" Maddi shouted, slapping her across the face, "We need to get moving, and don't bother introducing yourselves, even though I already know all of you, it's not like it would have been the polite thing to do or anything." She walked away towards the motel muttering things to herself.

" I like her," Alice piped up.

"She seems alright…if not a little weird." Carols replied as he headed off to tell the rest of the convoy what they had decided.

"I hate everything." Claire grumbled, "What happened to this being my convoy?"

Meanwhile below ground…

"I come from the land down under, where women pledge and men plunder!"

"What the hell was that?" Dr. Isaacs jumped up from his chair where he had been sleeping, head on desk in a big puddle of his own drool.

"Sleeping on the job eh?" Maddi asked, peering out from under the desk.

"What are you doing down there and why are you singing?"

"I happen to like sitting under tables and since this lab is underground I thought it would be appropriate to sing that song."

"I hate singing."

"And I hate you, so were even."

They sat glaring at each other for a while before Slater walked in. "Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, that is what I really wish to be-eeeeeeeeee."

"Now that's some quality singing right there." Came Maddi's muffled shout.

"Who's there?" squealed Slater as he jumped onto the nearest table before glancing up at the ceiling. "Is the Narrator back?"

Maddi giggled as she crawled out of her hiding place, beginning to dust off her clothes. "Jumpy that one. No it's not the Narrator but I am her roving ambassador so that makes me in charge."

"Does not!" Came Chancellor Wesker's voice suddenly from Dr. Isaacs, or as we shall call him, Dr. Useless' computer.

"I am not useless!"

"Yes you are and Chancellor go back to doing nothing and pretending everything is fine and dandy. I used to like you but now I just wanna rip off your sunglasses and see if you have Cyclops' powers!"

"Pardon?"

"Oh never mind you're all idiots, I just had to stop by and introduce myself to you dorks, since we will be seeing more of each other in the future. Oh and Dr. Useless?"

"Yes?" Was the pouting reply.

"You are a dumb ass if you go through with your plan, it ends badly on all parts but you know what?"

"What?"

"What happens to you is worth it, so lets let bygones be bygones." With that last warning of sorts, a loud bang and cloud of smoke Maddi disappeared.

Slater got down from the table and made his way over to Useless, "You're not planning to go to the surface or anything are you?" He asked in a very scared voice.

"Yes I am and you're annoying so go away."

"You're intending on disobeying my orders?!" Chancellor Wesker's voice boomed from the computer.

"Shit." Dr Useless and now stupid grumbled, slamming the laptop shut, he stormed away to prep his experiments, doing exactly what Maddi had just warned him not to.

Well you can only help an idiot so much. Anyway back to the bat mobile! Meaning above ground…

Just as Carlos, Alice and Claire walked into the motel they heard a loud shriek and ran, weapons drawn into the next room. Carlos burst out laughing, Alice impatiently tucked her knifes back into their sheaths and Claire went ridged. There in the middle of the room was Maddi and Mikey engaged in a heated lip lock. Pulling back from him as the others entered the room, Maddi shouted, "This! Is my favorite person out of all of you! I swear to God he is so bomb and now he's mine."

Mikey, who liked the attention, had gone along with it, even though it was a strange girl he had never met before. Taking her hand, he grinned goofily at the others but stopped when he saw Claire, clearing his throat and blushing he stammered, "She totally came onto me. I swear Claire!"

"Oh I forgot about you two."

"Not fair! She gets everything!" Claire shouted running out of the room, pushing past Betty and LJ as they came in, bewildered looks on their faces. Mikey looked apologetically at the others before chasing after her to explain further.

"Oops, must have started something. Hey! High five for all the black people living this long!" Maddi ran over and smacked both Betty and LJ five. "Well, I'm really half and half but still it counts."

"Who are you?" Betty asked curiously as she sat down on a rickety couch.

"Maddi, Narrator's Roving Ambassador."

"And Mikey's new love interest by the looks of it." Carlos laughed, slinging an arm around Alice.

"High five on that!" LJ roared, "Bout time that boy got some."

"Claire isn't to happy about it though." Alice objected.

"So what she snoozed so she lost. And I really think we should talk about getting to Vegas."

The others nodded and they all made their way outside, running directly into the shouting match between Mikey and Claire.

"Oh shut up already." Maddi spat, grabbing Mikey's hand and leading the others over to the covered truck. "We don't have much time. We've got to leave tomorrow morning and this will be dangerous, we can and probably will lose a lot of people so even though your being unreasonable right now Claire, you should take over."

Claire stuck out her tongue at Maddi and turned to face the wall.

"Fine. Alice you talk, seeing as Claire would prefer to be five."

"Okay, first off, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas! Can I get some love for that one?" She collapsed into a fit of giggles. Maddi punched her in the head,

"Vee was right, you are hella annoying."

"She's not that bad." Carlos muttered,

"Yes she is!" Replied everyone in unison.

Alice joined Claire in the corner.

The next day…


	6. The Letter H and the Number 7

_Ugh… The flu seriously sucks. And I think I feel a respiratory infection coming on, which just makes me feel way better in light of how crappy I felt to begin with. Oh, well – working on this will make me feel better. It always does._

_Hope you enjoyed Maddi's first chapter – it had me laughing out loud in the library (which isn't advisable). For my chapter, well, I haven't thought of much to write. I did some references here and there to "Beowulf" (that is one of the best epics ever) and "SAW", messed around with something of a subplot, and set up the beginning of the series of attempts on Alice's life. I had an idea that maybe some of the convoy would eventually turn against her and start helping try to kill her, but I have to see where that goes… Ah, well, onto the chapter! And I know the title is weird, but you'll see where that comes in._

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Chapter Six: The Letter H and the Number 7

Normally, one would use that army trumpet music to wake up a large number of sleeping people. I, on the other hand, have my own methods.

EVERYBODY WITHIN THE RANGE OF MY VOICE, WAKE THE HELL UP! YOU ARE IN MY POWER!

"Great, the one-armed wonder is back again," Claire murmured grumpily from her spot in the driver's seat of her truck, already annoyed to begin with and not terribly excited about the upcoming trip.

So don't delay. Act now. Supplies are running out. Allow, if you're still alive, six to eight years to arrive…

"I really wish you'd fall off the face of the earth."

Well, you're certainly in a sunny disposition today.

"Get off my back, bitch or I'll make you eat your arm."

A little late for that, it's already re-attached. It's just too bad I can't smack you across the face with it again. Instead, I'll formulate a better torture for you.

Claire heaved a frustrated sigh, covering her eyes with her hat. "Just go wake everyone else up, or something."

I just did. I figured I'd bug you first.

"Go away," she grumbled, getting out of the truck and beginning to walk to nowhere in particular.

You can't lose me, you know.

"Morning, Claire!" called Otto cheerfully, who happened to be out walking around himself. "Morning, Narrator!"

Yeah, whatever.

"Make her leave me alone," Claire pleaded to the bus driver tetchily.

A Beowulf movie, huzzah! I love Beowulf! Come on, show me some Grendel!

"Um… I don't think I have to," he answered, eyeing the sky weird, as Maddi came up to them. "She seems distracted already."

Aww, Grendel's so cuddly!

The two looked at each other funny, while Maddi didn't seem to think anything of it.

"Hi, Vee! Are you all patched up?"

Yup. 100 mended. Maddi, we have a job to do this fine day. You'll find the details in this envelope.

A white envelope fell from the sky, and she caught it, tearing it open and reading the message inside.

"Okay, sounds like a plan!"

Great. And by the way, I forgot to mention that message will self-destruct in ten seconds.

Maddi crumpled up the note and threw it, the message inadvertently landing on Claire's head.

BOOM! Claire was covered in soot. "Why me?" she coughed, rubbing her eyes.

Otto tried not to laugh, although he ultimately failed.

Mikey, who was walking by, stopped, raising an eyebrow. "Why are you covered in grime?"

"Mikey!" Maddi shouted happily, wrapping her arms around him in a bear hug.

"I'm going to go shoot myself," Claire muttered, walking off quickly.

Otto, make sure Claire doesn't do anything stupid. I have to attend to something.

"You got it," Otto replied, running off to find her.

In the underground lab…

"Hello, Slater. I want to play a game," a deep and rather creepy voice echoed through the halls.

Slater, who'd been walking through the hall until he heard the soundbyte, put a hand to his chest and leaned heavily against the wall, trying to catch his breath. "… You gave me a heart attack…"

"Some people are so ungrateful to be alive."

"No, no more SAW quotes! That movie scared me!" he protested.

It scared me, too, but that's why it's one of my favorite movies. What, are you afraid Jigsaw will get you?

He shuddered. "Don't even say that!"

Calm down, calm down. How did you get a job here if you're so jittery? Oh well, that's beside the point. Slater, buddy, old pal –

"I'm not your pal," he said.

I was being sarcastic. Anyway, I'm here to tip you off. You see, you're going to get an order from Chancellor Wesker to kill Dr. Isaacs, so when you go to shoot him, don't go in the room, do it from the doorway and then run like hell.

"Why?"

You'll see. Just take my word for it. And don't forget to say 'Oh, just die!' before you shoot him – it amuses me.

"Err… Okay," he said, not really following any of what I just said. "Um, you're not going to hurt me again, are you?"

Funny you should mention that. I thought you could use some practice running for after you shoot the doctor…

A six-foot creature resembling a grey wolf, walking upright on its hind feet, suddenly ambled around the corner and snarled upon sight of the man.

"What is that?!" Slater barely squeaked out.

Meet Grendel.

"From Beowulf?"

Not quite. This one was created completely by accident when a lab technician started toying with non-standard test subjects. It just happens to have the same erect posture, superhuman strength and ability to eat men whole.

Slater whimpered.

Oh come on, you can handle that. Just remember the part of Beowulf where it says '…But their points could not hurt him, the sharpest iron could not scratch at his skin, for that sin-stained demon had bewitched all men's weapons, laid spells that blunted every mortal man's blade. And yet his time had come…'.

"How is that supposed to help me?!"

I dunno. Don't use a sword? Or anything with a blade?

Grendel roared, and Slater didn't wait around any longer, bolting for the nearest door.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" he screamed louder than any human should be able to.

Elsewhere underground…

In the meeting room, the assembly of generic idiots and Chancellor Wesker had gathered, waiting on Slater to show up and give his report, but there was no sign of him.

"Where is he?" one of the idiots asked.

He's not coming. He's busy right now.

"With what?"

Oh… He's running.

"Running?"

Yeah, trying to get into shape for his date with destiny. So instead, you can have your meeting… with me.

"What could we possibly want with you?" Wesker asked in a condescending tone.

Not what you could want with me, what we could want with you.

"We?"

Meet my NRA –

"NRA?" another generic retard inquired.

'Narrator's Roving Ambassador'. Please do not interrupt me again.

"Sorry. Resume."

My NRA, Maddi.

Maddi flung the door open, making her grand entrance with a bang. No pun intended.

Everyone aside from Wesker seemed rather disturbed. Yet another idiot piped in. "Uh, how did she get in here?"

"I go wherever I want. We're everywhere," Maddi said mysteriously, shutting the guy up.

And in command.

"Command," Wesker scoffed, "I'm in control of Umbrella. You have no authority here."

"Wrong," Maddi said mockingly.

You may be in charge of Umbrella, but we're in charge of everything. Including you.

"I answer to no one," Wesker replied, continuing to look straight ahead in that weird way he does.

That's too bad, because the more you resist, the harder to get along with we become.

"Don't mess with her," Maddi said, pointing to the ceiling, "She can be pretty wicked when she wants to be."

"Why should we feel even remotely threatened by you and your little messenger here?"

She may be the ambassador, but I'm the dictator. And this dictator is in direct control of what will happen to all of you, factoring in the hand of fate.

"I don't believe you," Wesker said dismissively.

Well, disbelieve all you want, maybe we'll pay you a visit in Tokyo.

"What do you want? Why are you here?" he asked, losing his patience.

"We have a plan," explained Maddi, "A big plan. And you're going to help us."

"Oh?" he responded in an amused manner, finding the notion of anyone forcing him to do anything rather entertaining.

Now that the world is a barren wasteland it's ripe for transformation – it could become almost anything. We have a dream…

"And since we're in charge, there's no one to stop us from making it happen."

Technically, we're contractually obligated not to mess around with the state of the world, but we sort of break the rules here and there, anyway, so it's not going to be such a big deal. And because you're the most influential of all the survivors, only you can assist us.

Wesker didn't answer immediately, thinking over this odd proposition. "What did you have in mind?"

Oh, we'll tell you. It's a spectacular vision of madness brought to you by the letter H and the number 7…

Maddi looked questioningly at the ceiling. "Was that a reference to Sesame Street?"

Yeah, I sort of lost my train of thought there… But this is not something that Elmo could even begin to comprehend. Our plan will blow your mind.

A little while later, also elsewhere in the lab…

Dr. Isaacs was just about ready to take his hellish experiments on the road, but first, he had to double-check that everything was in order.

"Yes. Which I can't do with you around," he added snidely.

Shut up, before I decide to take action.

"Right. What are you going to do, throw a fish on me?"

I had an idea just for you, but I think I'll hold off on it. I want to catch you off-guard.

"Unlikely."

Just then, there was a scream outside the door that could only be described as Myriah Carey being torn apart by a bear, and Slater came in, slamming the door behind him and sinking to the floor, breathing heavily.

Dr. Isaacs looked at him funny. "What's wrong with you?"

"Monster…" he scarcely wheezed out, "… Trying… to… kill me…"

So, I assume that Grendel gave you a good work out?

Slater swallowed hard in between breaths. "I hate you."

Get over it, you bozo.

"Should I even inquire what's going on?" Isaacs asked, although he could care less.

Nothing. He was just hanging out with his new pal. Right, Slater?

Slater shook his head slowly, still having a hard time breathing. "You're malicious…"

Come on, what did Jigsaw say in the end of SAW?

"No more…"

Don't make Jigsaw repeat himself. "Some people are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you, not anymore. Game over!"

At that exact moment, there was a roar outside of the door, and Slater shrieked, before something slammed into it, and four large claws pierced the metal and tore long holes across it. Grendel stuck his nose through one of the holes, sniffing for a second before emitting a low trill and stalking off.

After a moment of silence, Slater cautiously spoke in a whisper. "Is it gone?"

For right now, but I can call it back anytime I feel like.

"No, don't do that!"

Dr. Isaacs stared at the man who was practically about to start crying, and sighed. "Next time, I just won't ask what's going on."

Back at the camp…

Maddi had since returned just in time to find everyone getting ready to leave. She happened to be passing Chase, the lame cowboy-trucker that barely ever does anything.

"Excuse me?" he asked, looking to the sky. "I do a lot. Let me see you doing something."

I am doing something.

"So am I!" Maddi said enthusiastically.

"And what makes me lame?"

Well, for one, you're a terrible stereotype on more than one level. Not all truckers dress like cowboys – I should know, my grandfather and uncle were truck drivers for a while – and not all country people dress like that, either. I'm from the country, a very rural area where everyone has farm animals. Practically the whole area is a farm. And my family used to be all farmers.

"Hm," he replied uninterestedly.

'Hm' yourself, lame-o. You'll be lucky if we don't let you die.

"I can take care of myself," he said, and Maddi took on a factual tone.

"Actually, you're supposed to die shortly after we get to Vegas. If I were you, I wouldn't do any climbing, especially if the Eiffel tower is concerned."

He gave her a weird look. "What do you mean?"

"You'll see."

Your fate is somewhat anti-climactic, but I found it funny. Ironically, my room is full of posters of the real Eiffel tower.

Chase seemed to be confused and disturbed. "You two are really weird."

"Viva Las Vegas," Carlos said, walking up to them.

"Don't you mean Viva Viagra?" Maddi asked, and the two stared at each other.

"Wasn't that by Elvis?" Chase queried.

"What, Viva Viagra?"

"No, Viva Las Vegas."

"Wait, wait, wait. I'm losing track of the conversation here," Carlos said, and they were joined by Alice… who was glowing green. "Err… What happened to you?"

"I got a message saying to go to this old nuclear power plant not far away from here. While I was looking around, someone blew it up."

They all exchanged looks, and then laid their eyes on the clear, blue sky.

What?

"Did you have something to do with this?" Carlos asked, crossing his arms.

Eh. I had some help from some of your companions.

"Wow, I feel so loved," Alice said sarcastically.

------------

_That was really weird. I honestly don't have any ideas for "our plan" as of right now… I started off thinking of world domination, but there's nothing left to dominate… And we're already in control of everything, anyway. Maybe Maddi will get an idea…_

_That's kinda funny; 'NRA – Narrator's Roving Ambassador'. 'NRA – National Rifle Association'. That is one really strange coincidence there._

_That part where Claire got covered in soot was actually inspired when I got thinking of the Inspector Gadget cartoon… Somehow, I got thinking about how that dude with the moustache that always gave him his missions would hide in garbage cans and stuff, and then Gadget would throw the self-destructing message in whatever he was hiding in…_

_Well, that's it for this chapter! Come back next time, when Maddi will do her second installment! And don't forget to leave us a review and let us know what you thought! Have a Happy Halloween!_


	7. Hell Breaks Loose

_Wow, it's been over five months since this was updated… Sorry about that! A lot has been going on, and we've both been on the busy side… And this isn't the only thing I work on that hasn't been updated in forever. Between busy co-writers and me not having ideas for half of my ongoing stories, I'm not totally sure what's going on anymore. Not to mention, my mind is off in La La Land pretty much 24/7 at this point._

_Hm, anyway, I sort of have an idea for this chapter. Namely a conglomerate of things I jotted down a long time ago and kinda forgot what I was going to do with them. But I can piece them back together, I think. I should really go out and buy a copy of that movie already, so I can get some new ideas…Plus I'm a tiny bit fuzzy on details here and there…_

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Chapter Seven: Hell Breaks Loose

All hell was going to break loose in less than an hour, and, of course, it just wouldn't be complete without Dr. Isaacs fucking everything up somehow.

He raised an eyebrow with a slightly quizzical glance at the ceiling, and went back to screwing around.

Are you ever going to leave, or are you going to waste time all day?

"What business is it of yours?" he asked, typing something on his laptop.

For one, I'm the Narrator – everything in your world is my business. And for two, I really like what's going to happen. It makes me laugh.

"Really? Well, why don't you go laugh it up somewhere far away from me?"

Oh, come on, Sam. I have a job to do – in this case, being annoying.

"What did you just call me?"

Sam. That is your name, isn't it?

"Perhaps so, but I don't recall giving you permission to use it."

Afraid it'll get worn out?

The look on his face was something of an indescribable blend of confusion and exasperation. "Are you going to bother me all day?" No reply. "Good maybe she left."

No, I got distracted for a second by a double-entendre about a six foot-three inch Johnson on 1 vs. 100.

"Damn it. Don't you have anything better to do?"

Yeah, but I have to make sure that you get off your ass and go out to Vegas already, like you're supposed to. What the hell are you stalling for?

"I'm not stalling. I'm preparing."

Suddenly his laptop became airborne, flying out the door and disappearing around the corner.

There, you're prepared. Go get your stupid self in the helicopter and leave before someone shows up and tries to stop you.

He glared at the ceiling. "Fine, officious hag."

Now arriving in Vegas…

Welcome to Las Vegas, ladies and gents – population zero. From moral hellhole to literal hellhole.

"It wasn't that bad, was it?" K-Mart questioned.

To each his own, I suppose. Personally, I'll stick to Paris, London, maybe Tokyo or Seoul…

"We get the picture," Claire murmured, already irritated by the many things going on that seemed to be against her. Hey, at least she's not in the same boat as Alice.

"What do you mean by that?"

Nothing.

"How surprising."

Moving on…

The convoy pulled to a stop and everyone collectively got out of the vehicles to look for supplies, completely unaware that something crazy was about to happen – though now some of them know, 'cause they just heard me say it.

"Could you be more specific?" Carlos asked, glancing around at their surroundings.

Eh… No. Maddi?

Maddi, who had come up alongside him, looked over and smiled. "No."

Carlos raised an eyebrow, and shrugged. "Oookay."

Hey, Chase. Chase. CHASE!

"What??" the cowboy-trucker said, coming out into the open and looking up at the sky.

You're supposed to be climbing up the Eiffel Tower replica to get a good vantage point. Do it already.

"I'm going, I'm going," he grumbled, storming off.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Alice said more to herself than anyone else.

With good reason.

"Don't talk to me – I'm still pissed at you for blowing up the nuclear power plant with me in it."

Don't get all bitchy. I was just setting a chain of events into action.

"Still."

Fine then, I won't help you.

"Why would I need your help?"

You will, sooner or later.

Just then, a helicopter carrying a steel box came along and dropped it in the sand. Some people went to get a better look, and sadly for them, the super zombies inside decided to break down the door and stampede out.

Everyone began running around screaming and acting like retards, because, as you all know, that always helps when there's killer monsters on the loose.

Maddi, being much calmer than the others, decided it was best to look out for Mikey – considering he gets into trouble right around now.

Chase, on the other hand, was trying to shoot super zombies from the Eiffel Tower, right when one he'd neglected to notice climbing up to him, hissed in his face. They got into a wrestling match, and he fell from his vantage point, right towards a sharp spike – of course, I'd already thought of that.

Instead of getting horribly impaled, he landed on a trampoline, bounced off, went flying through the air, and face-first into the top of his truck. At least the zombies couldn't climb up there.

Nearby…

Dr. Isaacs was loitering around, monitoring the situation with a sick sense of entertainment.

"At least I'm not a disembodied voice who harasses people," he retorted, and I chuckled, because just then a super zombie snuck up on him and bit into his arm. "Oh, fuck!"

Back at the underground lab…

Slater was walking through the halls, that is, until he heard me. He shifted nervously. "What do you want?"

Nothing really. Just to give you a pep talk before you fulfill your destiny.

"Great."

Come on, cheer up. At least you have my guarantee that you won't get killed if you're careful.

"I don't know if I really trust you."

Well, trust me on this – Dr. Isaacs is just about to arrive. You have your orders to kill him, so… you know… chop chop.

He sighed. "I'm not looking forward to this."

For those about to rock, we salute you.

"What?"

AC/DC.

A black t-shirt fell from the ceiling, and landed on his head. He pulled it off, and looked at it. It said "AC/DC" in silver rhinestones with the lightning bolt in red.

"What is this for?"

Luck.

"Uh-huh," he said, stuffing it in his pocket, as some guys who were sent to back him up walked over. "Let's go see the doctor."

In the lab…

Dr. Isaacs was injecting himself with doses of the anti-virus, hoping it would do something, though it wouldn't.

"Would you leave me alone? I'm not in the mood."

Then you'll hate this –

Slater and his buddies walked in. "What happened?" he asked, noticing the wound on Isaacs' arm.

"What does it look like?"

"Um, anyway," Slater said, changing the subject, "I'm here because you were told not to leave the premises, and you did so despite that. I've been ordered by Chancellor Wesker to terminate you."

"I don't think so. I'm a valuable member of this organization," the doctor answered arrogantly.

Slater, remembering what I had told him to say, pulled out the gun. "Oh, just die already! There, you happy?"

Perfect.

"Good," he sighed with relief, and then shot Dr. Isaacs to death. "Well, that's done."

Run, you idiot!

"Oh yeah… Oh yeah!" he shouted, scrambling out of the room right before Dr. Isaacs the monster grabbed someone's face with a tentacle.

How fun that must be.

"The fun's only begun," he growled.

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_Eh, it was a little rushed, but that's because I didn't really feel much like typing, but I wanted to update something and I was supposed to update this a few weeks ago. I didn't 'cause I took the week before my birthday off from typing… And the one after that._

_I decided to keep Chase alive, why I'm not sure – probably just to make fun of him some more. I realize I cut off early into the fight with the zombies, but I figured we'd get back to that in the next chapter. And LJ, I'm not sure what will happen to him… I sort of want to keep him alive. Ah well, that's for later._

_That's it for this chapter – I think I'm going to go continue playing "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories" for a while before I go to sleep. See you next time, and leave us a review and let us know what you think!_


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